Phone Newhart piece

A guy calls into his ISP because he can't find the pirated movie he wants.

Basis of the bit: He cares enough to watch the movie, he cares enough to want to spend two hours of his day watching it, but not enough to pay for it. He cares enough to call tech support when he can't get to it.

Tech support: Look, you can get this movie right away.

Guy: Oh yeah? Ok, perfect. Tell me where I need to go.

TS: Apple.com

Guy: No you don't understand. I'm trying to get this thing for free.

TS: Yeah you can't do that.

G: Sure I can.

TS: Ok, maybe you can. But you shouldn't do that.

G: Yeahhhhh.... but I'm not willing to pay for it.

TS: Do you think it should be free then?

G: Yes. And look, millions of people do this every day. I'm not like Mad Max out here. Millions and millions of people do this all day every day all year. So we all want it free.

TS: You know it costs a lot to make this stuff, right?

G: Yeah, and they do very well.

TS: Do they? So what if they do. You're saying -

G: - what I'm saying is -

TS: - you're saying that the more successful they are, the more you deserve a free copy?

G: No I'm -

TS: - yeah you are. Would you steal -

G: - It's not stealing -

TS: Okay, not steal, but download. Download then. Would you download something your buddy made that he's charging for?

G: If he was rich.

TS: You know what? Fuck it. I'll google it for you, you selfish asshole. I'll get it. I'll help you rip off an artist that you respect enough to spend two hours benefiting from their work.

G: Uh. Can I speak to your manager?

TS: (pause). Yes. Of course. May I ask why?

G: I don't appreciate the swearing.

The anxiety of Freedom

Talking to people who are satisfied with their work, they describe a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Of doing something useful, of feeling like they were part of something worthwhile.

Lately I've noticed that if I create something, my mood lightens. If I spend the day consuming, I feel blank, fuzzy, and heavy.

When I was growing up, every artist I would meet, - be it a writer or a cinematographer or painter or actor -would urge all of us to do something else if we could. If we could do anything else, do it. We should contemplate a career in the arts only if we had no choice but to become artists, and if we could be even mildly happy doing something else, we should do that instead. Because almost everything else was easier.

My young mind interpreted that as a description of a sweeping, perhaps violent force that drives one to create art, and if unheeded, then one would implode or something. I misunderstood.

A lot of my time is spent worrying about the things I'm not doing. A big chunk of my mental cycles are devoted to things I haven't done, should be doing, etc. Projects I'm not doing. Plans I am not executing. Work I am not creating. However, when I do make something - even if the product isn't that good, or the progress is negligible - I feel satisfied. I don't feel elated. I don't feel like I had no choice but to create. My life isn't meaningless if I don't do it. It's not a tragedy if I create nothing.

But if I want that feeling of being in the place I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing - that feeling seems to only come from creation. I think that's what those artists are talking about.

I think that you are an artist if you have to create to feel like you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. That's all. It's not a sweeping force, but a quiet one. I just started to notice it a few months ago, and it's a bit of a problem because 99.9% of my waking time has been self-engineered to be consuming time. Eating, watching, playing, reading. These are not creative acts.

Time to re-engineer.

Super H

A criminal is doing something criminal.

Spiderman shows up and is shot by the criminal, who has a gun.

Aquaman shows up and is shot.

Batman shows up, and because he's standing like five feet from the criminal, gets shot in the eyeball.

Wonderwoman, Nightwing, a Thundercat, etc. All get shot point blank as they walk in the door.

Then a cop - who is carrying a gun that he routinely uses against criminals - shows up and shoots the criminal.

Then EMTs show up and attend to a bunch of wounded people in tights.

Facebook Time Travel Conversation

Idea: a conversation between myself (31) and my earlier self (12). The 31 year old explains what Facebook, and the internet, are used for to the 12 year old.

Maybe with a photoshopped picture of myself with my 12 year old self.

Easy to write - dialouge is easy to write

Funny? Well, easy to write. Maybe easily funny. Likely, half funny. But all easy. And I will have written something. So that's a bonus.

Maybe start out with how the 12 yr Dave gets a call, but his Mum answers, and the 12 yr old picks up, and he knows it the future Dave calling and he's ho-hum about it because he gets these calls all the time from future Dave and its getting kind of boring - who cares about electric cars or iPods or whatever?